She's On The Rag

Belly Roll Bologna

2009-09-01T16:37:00.009-04:00

Whenever you hear words like "real beauty" buzzing around in mainstream media, they're usually trying to sell you something. We should've all learned this lesson after the massive and oh-so-empowering Dove Campaign for Real Beauty (which featured six curvy non-models in bra and panties) turned out to be a pathetic ploy to sell cellulite cream.

And when plus-sized model Lizzie Millier recently posed nude for a spread in Glamour Magazine that bared a visible "belly roll", I wasn't buying it.

Apparently, she's a size 12-14, which puts her smack dab in the average range of most American women; a fact everyone seems to think is going to single-handedly cure body image issues worldwide and spawn a revolutionary movement.

Um. Not so fast.

They forgot to mention that the average American woman is a size 12-14 and 5'4'', which looks a lot different than it does on a 5'9-ish model with an otherwise toned physique. And while the photo aims to be some sort of reflection of a bodily reality, the only supposed flaw is the layer of tummy WHERE EVERY HUMAN BEING IN THAT SITTING POSITION WOULD HAVE. So, curvier? Yes. More real? Not necessarily.

Which is why it was such a hoot to see the model's interview on the Today Show, and even bigger holler to see Glamour's smug editrix and chief pretending it was totally her idea all along. Matt Lauer did, however, ask a valid question in the midst of the hooplah: "Is this gonna change things?"

Not, really Matt, no.

Because "real women" projects like these are merely specialities. Just something the mainstream throws out every once and a while to acknowledge that a particular group of people exists whenever it benefits them. You know,kinda like Black History Month.

Nevertheless, let us all give credit where credit is due, so as not to seem ungrateful. A kudos, a high-five, and a big thumbs up, Glamour: you managed to run a photo of a woman without a protruding ribcage and resisted the urge to retouch it!

We'll toast to this rare moment where the beauty industry has decided to include real women; but remember the other 99.9% of the time they don't.

Miley Cyrus: The Pole Dancing Prude.

2009-08-14T00:49:00.008-04:00

When the i came across the hoards of headlines that screamed about Miley Cyrus's recent "pole dancing performance" at the Teen Choice Awards, I--naturally--expected the worst. I had visions of Cyrus bursting out of a gigantic cake in a g-string, glass shoes, and pink pasties before a Justin Timberlake look-alike boogied up from nowhere and snatched them right before the chorus. After which, she'd crawl over to the pole and proceed to swing around it upside down, supporting all 73 lbs of herself with mere inner thigh muscle. Shocked mothers would scramble to cover the eyes of their delicate daughters while adosolent boys would glance down at their crotches and quietly excuse themselves to the nearest restroom.

But, as per usual, the actual performance proved to be a lot more disappointing. Instead of the g-string/pasty combo I'd imagined, she'd opted for a more modest attire of hot pants, low cut top and leather boots. And rather than erupting from a cake, she mostly just stood atop a little ice cream cart with a pole more for holding onto than for swinging around. Her only remotely raunchy move was an awkward dip down maneuver. Not much bumpin' and grindin' or droppin' like its hot, which is understandable: just how down and dirty can you get with gay backup dancers and lyrics like "i know i'm gonna be okay/its a party in the USA" ?

The full-on freak out about it all was a bit baffling to me. Sure, she had to have known that anything involving short shorts and a pole at event for teens would spark criticism (especially after that whole Vanity Fair hooplah) but the reaction was certainly more of an overreaction.

Most of the noise came from parents who were outraged at the idea of the squeaky clean, All-American role model following the likes of Britney, Christina and Lindsey's Good Girls Gone Bad spiral. That the last Disney darling yet without a drinking problem, sex tape, or tendency to exit limos commando style, will join the ranks of Tinsel Town's trashiest tramps. Disney too,is begging Cyrus to tone it down; doomed for big profit loss unless they can create some sort of Hannah Montana Play Pole that sells faster than the lunch boxes.

Because, let's face it, good ol' middle-class America just wants to see teenage gals as rosy-cheeked virgins with bonnets, and butter churns. Conversely, mainstream America would rather see jailbait as hypersexualized and seductive; all tits and ass and the scraps of fabric that all but cover them...

I don't think the media is really shocked by the dance or offended by the outfit ,but more angry at Miley's inability to be either the madonna or the whore. They don't like that she's hanging on the fence between Naughty and Nice, sexual and asexual, middle and mainstream, without picking any sides. Just like the Britneys, Christinas and Lindseys before her, she is eventually doomed to being either the Saint or the Slut. And she's got to check one or the other. Not all that apply.

Michelle Obama Gone Mute?

2009-01-21T22:55:00.006-05:00

I guess outfits speak louder than words. That seems to be Michelle Obama’s new philosophy as she snuggles into her duties as America’s First Lady. Maybe it was the coffee conversation with the Bushes, who clued her into the Commandments of political wifedom: Commandment #1: Thou shall not speak, but sit pretty and wave relentlessly. So far, so good. I just hope she has Laura Bush on speed dial to tell her how to get the plastic smile off her face when its time for bed. Or for advice on what to do when her panty hose ride up and there’s nowhere in sight to pick the wedgie.

Yes, I know. Being a Lady tougher than it looks.

Take for instance, her new role as the countries fashion icon. Media hooplah over her inauguration clothing was excessive to the point of ridiculous; from CNN celebrity stylist commentary, to exclusive interviews with the designers of the “lemon grass” skirt suit and white chiffon ball gown she wore for Inauguration Day.

Of course, I expected this surplus of superficiality, just not so soon. As Feministing.com put it, “We couldn't put off the tired old women-as-pretty-arm-candy discussion until the inauguration stage was taken down?”

Nope. Before President Obama was even sworn in, Michelle had already been validated as Barack’s Barbie Doll. A woman so disciplined in femininity that she could--as they kept insisting over and over again-- brave the bitter cold and blisters of Pennsylvania Avenue in the holy name of fashion. A woman eager to fill the shimmery Cinderella shoes of the Jackie Kennedys and Nancy Regans: legs crossed and lips closed.

During a dance at an inaugural ball, a CNN spokeswoman claimed Michelle was actually “the boss” of the marriage, giving her husband the official orders. But unless they communicate through telepathy, it’s more likely to be the other way around.

It’s got to be saddening for Michelle, on some level to know that even as a Harvard Law and Princeton grad, or lawyer at the Sidley Austin firm whose articulate and equally eloquent self-written speeches helped seal her husband’s Presidency--she is now just a pretty wife, waving and smiling.

But on another level, she probably believes she is being racially progressive. She is trying to show the world that the black woman, too, can be intelligent, charming, elegant and poised. This strategy harks back to the election, where she played the humbling homemaker to shake media perceptions of “the angry black woman”. Like on the Ellen Dengeneres show, where she used “wife, mother, and down-to-earth” to describe herself, confining to female gender norms to stretch across the mainstream.

And now that the Obamas have to represent the American family, they are playing it safe; doing the cookie-cutter patriarchy thing, a political recreation of the Cosby Show, which makes having black people in the White House a little less frightening for the right wing.

Michelle’s ability to be the silent version of Clair Huxtable (minus the career) is the key factor in walking the American tight rope between Scary Black Woman and relative normalcy. But rather than pledging allegiance to the haggard script of Proper First Lady Behavior, she should use the limelight to offer alternative perceptions of black women that don’t exclude an assertive voice. And then she should walk out of the White House wearing a “Give Bush a Wedgie” T-shirt, sweat pants, and Spongebob toe socks.

Crtical Thinking Videos: Masculinity

2009-01-12T17:42:00.004-05:00

Here's some videos i thought would be good for a much needed blog post that i know I've been neglecting. I've been reading alot (Robert Jensen, Jackson Katz and bell hooks have written amazing books )about masculinity and "manhood" lately, because you cant have a legitimate feminist discussion without addressing the ways in which men are socialized and reduced to destructive gender roles, and at constant expectation to "act man enough" which inevitably means physical violence and sex. Just thought it'd be better to show, rather than rant. The first is Jackson Katz, who has an amazing documentary called "Tough Guise", the second, my hero, bell hooks author of We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity, lastly Robert Jensen, author of Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity.

Silence of the Blog (Another Feminist Attack)

2008-12-10T11:04:00.006-05:00

I recently discovered that feminists bloggers Jessica Valenti and Gwendolyn Beetham made a short video on YouTube a while back about the Scholar and Feminist Online. And while the content was nice, the best part was scrolling down to the comments section to read the gracious, supportive, and always respectful thoughts of its viewers:

User bissikrima had a short and not-so-sweet statement:

"dirty feminist cunts ! FUCK YOURSELVES !!!!!!!"

CaptainGrunyard took an--shall we say--academic standpoint:

"keep blogging you imbecile, change the world through blogs full of brainless, pointless, baseless, unrealistic theory."

ChupacabraYetiElmo wanted to share his (or her) thoughts on the real reason for this video, an offer some lovely advice along the way:

"Truth is>> These cunts can't get any attention, so they go around blogging and vlogging and spewing enmity cunt mislogic. Please go sign up for selective service so America can send your ass off to a sand dune. Then CNN and FOX can do a news special in which you all climb on chairs when a scorpion wants to crawl in your cold dark clammy rotten fish smelling cave. Make sure you take an eggbeater along so you can shove it up your twat and twirl some logic in your abominated brain."

kingblabar opted for an elaborate description of his passionate cyber sex fantasies:

"First of all, i straight up want to tit fuck the milk out of the broads tatholes. While the ugly whorebag lingering off to the left can make herself usefull for a change by fingering my asshole while i cum on the other sluts face/eyeballs. Next, im going to fold my half flacid manhood into her slopped vag while i squeeze out a hot steamy triumph all over the ugly bitched fat face
peace,
keep up the good work...
ps bitches aint shit but hos and tricks"

While hellofromebaums summed his position up on the matter pretty clearly:

"PENIS"

That's right,ladies. Gotta love that penis.

F--Yeah for the F-Word!

2008-12-06T22:53:00.003-05:00

For all the shit that comes along with blogging about the F-word, this here made me proud of what i do:

Meet the Bloggers!

2008-12-01T17:24:00.008-05:00

Meet Misogyny's latest BFF, the YouTube bloggers; a community of cunt-hatin' creepers circulating now in cyberspace. But this post will concentrate on two nifty guys who, i believe, deserve recognition for the astounding amount of time and dedication they've put into attacking feminism using video technology. (Cause if you're gonna be an asshole, well, you better do it in style). So without further ade, introducing...

The Editorialist-- The middle aged man who probably splits his time between creating kiddie porn rings online and making YouTube videos expressing his hatred for Feministing.com while sitting in his mother's dimly lit basement wearing dark shades. Ed here uses his smarts and mountains of free time (unemployment has its benefits) to make carefully crafted, thoroughly researched rebuttals to the "Friday Feminist Fuck Yous" that the Feministing.com bloggers post each week, (humorously) tackling a recent sexist issue. Only Ed decided it would be even more hilarious to respond to these lesbo cunt-rags with a video of his own. And boy do the guys love it. His adoring 200 subscribers watch religiously and happily participate in the bitch-bashing with "lols" and their own two cents which involves some vague, pseudo intellectual history lesson, a false statistic, or a hardcore porn link.

Best video: "If Women are oppressed, why aren't they dead are in jail?" --Good point, Ed. If we really had it tough, we'd either be 6 feet under or the Bitch of some chick known only as MooMoo. This is a particularly touching piece, where Ed begins to question the legitimacy of feminism by encouraging us to ask a black how he knows he is oppressed. To which Eddie boy claims is an obvious fact, compared with "gender oppression"--an evil feminist creation that is "indoctrinated" into the simple minds of innocent little girls by the liberal media and middle-class white women. He credits this brilliant insight to the fact that he--hold on to your mouses for this one--talked to a black woman who said that her race--not gender, was the source of her oppression. And I'm sure he thinks the fives minutes of BET he caught on the tube (while Army Wives was on commercial) gave him mad street cred, and proved his racial tolerance. Oh Ed, you ol' softie. You just hate to see the racial inequalities of your fellow sistas and brothas trumped by this imaginary sexism don't you? Thanks for sticking up for your people, Ed. Word.

Next up...

The Amazing Atheist--A younger, tubby (but equally creepy) version of the Editorialist who took a break from his usual business of zealously denouncing religion using violent hand gestures and colorful language, to zealously denouncing feminism using violent hand gestures and colorful language. Amazing really does live up to his name with these online works of art, an opinion no doubt shared by the 31, 070 subscribers to his channel, and the 588 videos he's whipped up in just over two years! This particular video is set inside an anonymous garage which I'm sure is filled with at least a dozen dead bodies, four cats, a torture chamber, animae posters, and an underage Korean girl.
Despite Ed's disdain for feminism in general, A.A seemed to be perfectly down with the cause until something traumatic happens: He finds that US laws may or may not prevent simulated rape as porn. You see, Atheist was helping his pornstar friend who is, by the way is perfect by "his standards" (which means anything more than Vaseline and a towel is pretty damned hot) come up with ideas for her Adult Website. And simulated rape (along with his other ideas: covering herself in pig's blood and holding a meat clever, and role playing a mental patient, while letting doctors molest her on the examining table) was shot down.

Pissed that his simulated rape fantasises will not come true, A.A heads to the garage, sets up his cam, and goes on a 19 minute rant about how feminism is destroying personal freedoms (because if we want to shoot bestiality and brutal sexual abuse in our downtime, then so be it!). But before you get all up and arms, Atheist isn't directing this to all man-hating feminists. No, just those "crazy bitches" who want to go after pornography and--god forbid--prostitution. He claims that not only should prostitutes be held in the highest regard but that many of the early feminists were, indeed hookers. That's right suckers, Susan B. Anthony might have seemed conservative and intellectual, but when she took of that red shawl and those bloomers, honey, things really got down and dirty.
But no big, Atheist. I get you, man. I too would be angry if my only means for getting laid with through the promise of financial exchange with a herpes-infected transvestite....

Honestly though, seeing these videos and its cock--i mean, cult-like following really made me realize how much weight feminism still carries. Even now, in a society bathed in the facade of "female empowerment" and the bogus propaganda of "progress" there's still a reluctance and fear of anything that rejects the patriarchal system that's been in place so long its almost a human template for existence. We've never really known a world where women weren't below, behind, beneath a man and even now the idea of real equality--of bringing the female object to life-- for some people, still feels uncomfortable and unnatural and unsafe.

And while i know the extremists only represent a small portion, the basic ideology of sexism is still more universal. I hear it in mundane conversations every day, the whistles and "hey girl"s of the men on street corner, the inane pop culture of bride fantasies and Botox and Playboy. Sexism is still the thread of America, the bare bones foundation on which everything we know is built. And to break the foundation and introduce a new cultural makeup where the Bitch doesn't make the sandwich is enough to make you scared shitless. So middle aged weirdos rant on their webcams in dark corners, start parody websites and cult clubs to white-knuckle any power they can.

They latch on to their beloved patriarchy even at the expense of their mothers and daughters and sisters, even at the expense of themselves. But why care so much after all? What the hell are you so afraid of?

Holy MatriPhony

2008-11-05T12:31:00.010-05:00

The best thing about my Marriage and Family class is that we get delightful tidbits of information like this:

"Married people are generally healthier and happier than people who are single, divorced, and widowed. Married people have lower rates of heart disease, cancer, stroke, pneumonia, tuberculosis, cirrhosis of the liver, and syphilis. They attempt suicide less frequently and have fewer automobile accidents than do singles. They are less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and other forms of psychological distress..."

In other words: Get married. Or you will die.

But this is how alot of women see the single life, anyway; a wretched state of loneliness and longing. Walking past couples in the park in matching neon jogging suits and sighing a heavy sigh of pain; or tearing up at the sight of a man proposing to his girlfriend on New Year's Eve, or wearing tragic bride's mate dresses in mango orange as you watch another one of your friends walk Down The Aisle and think, if only that were me....

"You will die alone" becomes the ultimate threat to any woman who doesn't want to Settle Down. Even if, God forbid, she is attractive and mentally functional with plenty of friends and family and a job and hobbies and things to do, she is still, by cultural standards, destined to Spinsterdom. You know, spending your weekends in a dark one bedroom apartment, devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's with your 17 cats (who you've named after each of your exes) and watching Golden Girls reruns to cheer you up --because, Dammit, if Blanche and the gang can be single and old, than so can I-- before realizing how pathetic that is and proceed to cry for the next three hours with Phil Collins songs playing in the background.

Oh yeah, and then you'll die alone.

But i think there's something really wrong with marriage. And I'm not talking about the Monogamy Doesn't Work theory the whole bit about Keeping the Romance Alive or even traditional gender roles that explain the near 50% of divorce rates, because we've all heard them a bizillion times before.

The biggest reason i could never see myself jumping on the Wifey bandwagon (aside from the fact that i wouldn't be caught dead in a matching jogging suits) is because i believe in the human project and personal development that comes with being single. Elizabeth Wurtzel says it beautifully in Bitch: "There are other things that other women need to do: they need to have lesbian affairs; they need to drop out of medical school and become investment bankers; they need to fly with the Air Force in Iraq or work for the Peace Crops in Papua New Guinea; they need to sleep with their brothers-in-law....to live in New Orleans for five months, in Krakow for three months and in Bangkok for two years. They need these things, all these things--for if they didn't, they surely would not bother, for it is so much easier to just get married. It is so much easier to stick with Plan A. "

And Plan A, the marriage plan, is just another in the series of sequential steps society has set out for us; bread crumbs for Hansel and Gretel. We live life in perpetual groups, under the thumb of Rules and Compromise that come with living with someone else. We're all so scared shitless of being alone that we never get to experience the freedom of being alone; of letting the dishes pile up for a week or spending loads of money on frivolous things or casual sex or spontaneous trips half way around the world or sleeping in till' 5 pm or doing whatever the hell it is you feel like doing because you're unattached and independent and you don't have to answer to anyone. In the time of being single, you learn who you are, what you want and why you want it and make the mistakes and missteps that shape you into a decent adult. When you're single, in other words, you can grow the fuck up.

And i think that may be the biggest marriage detriment of all: the idea that two people who barely know themselves, who've only half-lived, can somehow exist in a lifelong relationship, expecting not to fall victim to the "what-ifs" and regrets itching in the back of the mind.

I personally think the above "studies" are bullshit, more cat nibble feeding the mouth of the backlash that's been gnawing at the women's movement since the 70's. Some shady scholarship that will end up being the basis of some Ann Coulter book with a title like, "I Do. Why don't you?" (because we all know that conservatives that come up with clever puns are just hilarious) .

But even if it is true, even if choosing to be unmarried means risking eternal loneliness and depression and car wrecks and herpes; Even if it means living alone without a Big Strong Husband to protect me at night, or the last tick of my Biological Clock or the societal frown that comes with being a woman unchained--And it might mean all of these things. But i'll take my chances anyway. I'll risk the dying alone.

Laughs for the Ladies

2008-10-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, even feminists make jokes-- (when we aren't, you know, burning their brassieres, counting arm pit hairs, or playing bullseye with pictures of penises in their spare time)--and here are some of them i dug up from a site (appropriately) titled, Feminist Jokes.

They vary from har-de-har-hars to definite knee-slappers, but here are some of my favorites. A drum roll please?:

1.) Q: Why do men like BMWs?

A: They can spell it.

2.) Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.

3.) Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum.

4.) Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: ET phoned home.

5.) Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

6.) Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.

7.) Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

I know we've got Rush Limbaugh and all of the youtube assholes to make fun of the Femininazis, but this time, guys, the joke is on you.

Buy or Die

2008-10-15T09:30:00.006-04:00

Upon hearing the news that Bitch magazine was in danger of folding, i was going to use this blog to do one of those spin-offs of the Vote of Die campaigns, where i would play P. Diddy, with a shirt that read, "Bitch-assness permitted" (what is bitch-assness, again? and why should someone who calls themselves diddy be allowed to create vocabulary?), suck on a tooth pick while wearing shades and scare you into donating to the magazine with my Aggressive and Intimidating Black Guy attitude.

If that tactic did not work, i would round up some D-list celebrities and a make a black and white commercial where we would wear white T-shirts, look sadly at the camera and recite statistics about domestic violence while Wyclef Jean plays some guitar melodies in the background.

But I visited their website the other day, and somehow they've been able to come up with the $40,000 they needed to run another issue, which--according to the giant wiener dog on the header--will hit the stands December 1st! That being said, i will spare you my purchase pleas for now. However, as we all know, independent magazines need MONEY to sustain. And the difference between folding and sustaining is you, the readers!

So please continue to invest in Bitch, one of the only feminist magazines left.

Or, if you prefer the P. Diddy approach: Buy it or Die, bitches.

Style Bytes Returns!!!

2008-10-12T14:21:00.004-04:00

The Rules state that every gal is allowed to have one "girl-crush" without attaining lesbo status. That way, you can swoon publicy and never worry about your peers inching away from you in the locker room, un-inviting you to sleep overs, nick-naming you Ellen Degeneres, or voting you Most Likely to Be A Female Athletic Director.

Therefore, i choose Agathe--thrift shopper, fashion blogger, photographer extraordinaire--as my top pick. All her die hard fans know the psychotic breaks we had once her first blog inexplicably ended a few months ago: We couldnt eat, we couldnt sleep, we walked around in neon-colored crocs and sweatshirts with company logos on them! We mourned, man. We mourned.

And just when we thought we'd never see Agathe (or Melvin--her gigantic pet pig) again, i stumbled upon the link to the NEW Style Bytes blog.

Apparently, she'd been doing it as sort of an underground thing, perhaps thinking she was safe from the nuts (i.e,, me) who begun to develop a cult-like following to her site.

Think again, Agathe. You can blog, but you can't hide:

http://phiary.com/diary/stylebytes/2008/7/3

The Palin Persuasion

2008-10-05T15:54:00.010-04:00

If you've ever watched MTV's "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica", the inane and (thankfully) short-lived reality show about the glamarous celebrity marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, you could fully understand everything you need to know about Sarah Palin. As you may remember, For thirty minutes, we watched Jessica in her "daily life" of photo shoots, studio recordings and concerts while Nick sat at home, flexing his steroidal biceps in the mirror, reminiscing about the good ol' days of 98 degrees, back when grown men in open silk blouses were sexy-- and "confessing" to the camera how Jessica never gave him any.

And like any good reality show, they each had tele-roles: Jessica, the young, spoiled, bimbo bride, and Nick, the beefy butch hubby who was in charge of slapping her ass during random intervals of the show, reminding us of why she makes up for what she lacks in I.Q.

He also had to explain the difficult, and philosophically abstract concepts that only intellects of unimaginable standards could comprehend: Like whether or not her "chicken of the sea" tuna was chicken or fish. A conversation during which Nick paused so long you knew he was contemplating divorce before a montage of ass-slapping ran through his mind, no doubt making him reconsider.

But instead of the tuna dialogue heightening her status of idiocy, the "TV personality" sycophants went into a bit about how this show really demonstrates how intelligent Jessica is, because she's using her savvy marketing skills to only pretend to be a bimbo. That she's so aware, in fact, of how the entertainment industry works, she's portraying this ditzy blonde cliche for the cameras because the only thing that sells better than sex is Dumb Hot Chicks who you want to sex with.

And while i applaud these journalist jokes for giving her the benefit of the doubt--they know, I know, and surely Nick knows, that there is no hidden layer of intellect behind the airhead facade. There is, in fact, no facade. Or business savvy or sneaky plot of subversion or irony or Ultimate Masterplan beyond our comprehension: The girl is just stupid.

And whenever there are genuinely stupid people in the public eye, there will always be other rather stupid people trying to promote them by convincing other stupid people that they are not that stupid.

I know. Stupid, isnt it?

And now the pseudo righty political "pundits" are taking a stab at it again, with another target: Sarah Palin. Cause when the attempts to woo feminist/women voters with a Palin-faced Rosie the Riveter, and "Palin Power" buttons failed, and the hockey-mom thing lost its puck, the GOP media came up with a better idea: To make Palin look like an undiscovered genius. And after Thursday's debate, they seemed to have convinced everyone that everything she did was somehow evident of a deliberate and very strategic plan to help Old Man River shuffle into office:

#1.) Palin dodges questions and makes statements like "I'm gonna talk straight to the American people".Reason?: Because Palin's exceptional debate skills and preparation have taught her that voters don't want you to talk to your opponent, but through the lense of the camera, straight into the homes of American familys!

#2.) Palin fills up a generous part of her two-minutes with a shout-out to her brother's 3rd-grade class and a corny joke about extra credit. GOP says it because: Palin did this intentionally. She knows how much the American people appreciate family values, and children interests, so she was simply scoring points!

#3.) Palin uses folksy lingo; from "you betcha" to "dog-gonnit" and a wink or two for effect during her spiels. Survey says?: Palin understands the importance of relating to middle-class familys and Average Joes. She is trying to proove that she can talk in simpleton language, unlike all of those elitist liberals with their big ol' 3-syllable words and technical explanations and accurate facts that only they understand!

But i don't buy it, Palin. I know you can't answer questions directly because you're sketchy and coniving with poor-to-moderate acting skills! Like Halle Berry on a good day, you may be overrated but you wont get the Oscar till' you take your top off! And you're "folksy" lingo is about as real as Pam Anderson's ta-tas pre-hepatitis C, and insulting to! Anyone can watch a segment from Larry the Cable Guy and get the redneck down pat. Oh, and that shout-out to those anonymous 3rd-graders? Seriously. You do know this isn't 106 & Park, right? You know there are people watching and you're supposed to answer questions relating to the topic, right? Because--worst case scenerio--you do get in office, after Wrinkle-stilt-skin kicks, you're gonna have to take over and actually do stuff. And just ask Dubya, doing stuff is always the worst part.

Though i'll give you this Palin, you do understand the most important part about being stupid; and that is never to correct the people who think you're smart. You're the type of gal who knows its better to stumble publically, then laugh and say you did it on purpose. Or ask someone to explain the concept of tuna to you, then claim its just good TV.

And who knows, if this whole political thing doesn't work out (and we pray to Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it doesn't) I think you definitely have a future in showbiz. You could even hit up Jessica for pointers. Have her peeps call your peeps.

The Wonderful World of Wifedom: More of the Same

2008-09-10T16:24:00.012-04:00

In my "Marriage and Family" class today, (where, predictably, we study the "dynamics" of a "healthy" marriage and family) the prof gave us a photocopied handout of a 1955 article in Housekeeping Monthly magazine, entitled, "The Good Wife's Guide", a instructive list of duties and tasks that the wife must complete in order to please her husband, sustain her marriage, and thus conserve her status as a domestic slave:

Numero uno, the most obvious, states: Have dinner ready. "This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs." writes HouseKeeping.

#2: Be happy to see him.

#3: Prepare the children....comb their hair if necessary....at the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

#4: Make the evening his. Never complain if he goes out to dinner, or places of entertainment without you.

Highlights (and my personal favorites) include:

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time...remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Don't question him about his actions or question his judgement or integrity...remember,he is the master of the house...you have no right to question him.

The writer then adds a nice little bow to the entire piece, ending with: "A good wife always knows her place."

Of course, the class (majority of whom are women) took turns lashing out at the article, lamenting on how ridiculous and degrading they found it.

And it is.

It's just that this 50's article still isn't too far from the mindset of most women today. Sure, morons like to go on and on about "how far we've come" and how many "choices" women have; but most of these women choose to get married early, and sit on their asses for a life of laziness and luxury as a housewife. Most gals still believe in the very same marital values that this article describes, no matter how many times they'd deny it aloud. Because it's still an unconscious thing: women still fantasize about being brides in Vera Wang gowns and tieras. They still kill themselves to cook and clean and work and be Stepford soccer-mom and a fantastic sexual partner and be thin and attractive and fresh-looking and sexy all AT THE SAME TIME. As long as Kelly Ripa (and other bimbotic, celebrity mom/wifes) continue to bounce around Beverly Hills in Chanel and wonderbread babies on their arm; proving to America with a gushing smile that, yes, it is possible to Have It All--then the myth of the Perfect Wife lives on.

And we will continue to look articles in the so-called "women's magazines" with titles like, "How to Tell If He's Into You" and "The Naughty Sex He Craves" to tell us what be and how to be and what to do in order to Keep Our Man. Its just that in 1955, we had Housekeeping Monthly. And now we have Cosmopolitan.

Anchor Anguish

2008-08-18T19:00:00.004-04:00

The following is my imitation of every TV news network in America. Ahem:

"Gas prices
gas prices
gas prices.
Obama.
terrorism.
mosquitos will kill you.
vegetables will kill you.
cell phones will blow up. give you tumors. and then kill you.
this just in!--research shows that vegetables will not kill you. However, everything else still stands.
gas prices are high
foreclosure
debt
recession
unemployment
economy
gas prices
obesity.
doom, doom, doom
the world's going to hell.
there's a serial killer on the loose! lock up your daughters.
breaking news--research shows that locking up your daughters may lead to suicide, STDs, and Alzheimers later in life.
statistics
gas prices.
gas prices
death
doom
done.
Britney spears is pregnant.

I'm Katie Couric, thanks for watching."

The Col-Jerk Report

2008-08-04T18:24:00.010-04:00

Uhh, i don't really think Steve Colbert likes us all that much.

Judging by how he treats his feminists guests, i'd say the women's libbers rank just above Bill O'Reilly but right below Jon Stewart on his List of Things to Destroy Using Dry Comedic Irony.

I mean, honestly Steve. First Ariel Levy, now Jessica Valenti?

But I know that its your job to play the smug, satirical show host and wear badly tailored suits and wire-rimmed glasses so you can cross your arms with a raised eyebrow to prove how pensive and intellectual you are, before reading irrelevant jokes from a teleprompter and waiting for the eruption of audience laughter who are either a.) paid actors Or b.) on acid.

I also, totally, get that you have to challenge the views of these crazy "feminists" with those biting skills you learned back in Debate 101 and your acerbic wit to deliver the list of punchlines you probably have on a napkin underneath your desk. And i understand that by the look on your face, everything Ms. Valenti is saying is akin to the wamp-wamp-wamp Charlie Brown language or ebonics from those rapper guys on MTV, and that you wish--between glances at your punchlines and not-so-casual glances at her breasts--that she would just SHUT UP already, and let you say something funny because you only have an hour, damnit, to make things happen, so you're going to do a bit about the naked lady on the book cover because, hell, what other questions can you think of when never even heard of "Jessica Valenti" or all this "feminism" stuff until like, five seconds ago, when the producer told you backstage, and even then you were too busy moussing your hair into that perfect mini-pompadour shape to listen, because if you're going to out-do Mr. Stewart you've gotta have The Do, you know what I'm sayin'?

And that's the whole joke, right?: pretending to hate America and Bush and all stuff, but then pose in front of a flag so everyone knows you're J.K; that you're just being ironic and totally sarcastic, because you looked up the definition of irony (or at least your assistant did) on Wikipedia and thats what it said, right? Pssh, i got you, Steve. Now if only those uptight ol' biddies could get with the program (your program, of course) and just let you make your freakin' jokes so everyone can tell you how funny you are after the show.

Har-de-har-har, indeed.

Barbie 90210 (Tits and Turkey)

2008-07-14T19:07:00.003-04:00

Femspo for the day: A cartoon i drew, despite my limited artistic skills...

(click for larger)

Plastic surgery always makes me think of Thanksgiving turkeys. In fact, I'd bet a cosmetic procedure is practically identical to that of turkey preparation. I mean, in both scenarios, the subject (the turkey/girl) is sliced, diced, cut, carved, slashed, and gutted with sharp utensils and then stuffed with foreign objects. Granted, the turkey will probably be mutilated by your Aunt Agnes wearing a Christmas sweater and a fanny pack, whereas the woman will dish out a few grand to be mutilated by an uncertified lab-coat wearing nurse's assistant who will tell you "its normal, you have nothing to worry about" when you complain that your tits have turned a yellowish green color and fallen off.

But. yeah. other than that though, its basically the same.

And while being able to fill out that hot pink halter top you saw in Abercrombie will cost a pretty penny, and certainly may leave you permantly disfigured, its totally worth it, as you will reap the endless benefits of doing so:

1.) The most obvious one is simple: you will have gigantic knockers. You will now be known as "so-and-so with the big puppies" and your fuckable rate will be inceased by a whole 5 points. They will be the convo starters in every social gathering you find yourself in from then on, causing you to come up with clever nicknames for your new friends as party-lines (Laverne & Shirley, Peanut Butter & Jelly, Mary-Kate and Ashley etc.) that will just crack the guys up. OR, if you have a particularly low I.Q, and one-liners like these prove to be too challenging, you dont have to talk at all. You can do something as simple as, oh, wear a tank top. As your male conterpart will be so entranced with the XXX beach balls two centimeters from his face, no conversation will really be necessary.

2.) If you should be brutally murdered by a random sociopath, buried four feet underground in some abandoned forest in Wyoming, and are found by hikers ten years later, but cant be identified because your body is so decomposed, they identify it by tracing the serial number in the silicone. Trust me. It's happened.

3.) Besides those already mentioned, fake knockers offer an extra perk that boring ol' natural ones don't: you always have a large, inexplicable space between each one. This offers a nice little storage compartment, to fit items such as cell-phones, I-pods, and wallets, keys, whatever! Now thats what I call a built-in closet!

4.) Fights will be relatively easy to win, or at least to bear, with your new assets in place. When, say, the bitch down the street gets testy and declares a catfight, or your husband is undergoing "work-related stress" and decides to rough you up to relieve it--a blow to the chest (wherein most girls would hurt like a mother) will be virtually pain-free for you. Once you've had them for a while and they begin to form their rock-life structure, any boob-bopping will feel like punching a brick wall with your bare hands. You will bloody knuckles! You will make grown men cry! Arnold Schwarzenegger will step down and deem you the "Tit-a-nator".

And you, after getting this taste of bliss from the hands of your surgeon, will definetly be bauk .

Kissing Girls is Hardcore

2008-07-10T11:57:00.010-04:00

Katy Perry kissed a girl. And she liked it.

Apparently, she wants everyone to know this, as her moronic single, "I Kissed A Girl" has been on nonstop radio rotation, for no reason other than the fact that it serves as softcore audio porn.

I knew this lyric lip-locking couldn't circulate in the mainstream too long without being deemed a "grrl power" song, compliments of Pink and Avril Lavigne fans who think Perry's homosexual debaucheries are cause for a sisterhood celebration. (these are also the same idiots who pushed Destiny's Childs' "Independent Woman" as a feminist anthem, despite the fact that "Cater 2 you" was released soon after, proving that all that independence was just too much for the gals to handle.)

But to anyone who is not a.) stupid and b.) Katy Perry, this "in-your-face-i-care-about-seeming-as-if-i-dont-care-what-people-think" persona is both contrived and ridiculously cheesy. She creates stereotypical rebellion with dumb, blunt remarks about her ex boyfriends that somehow pass as feminism, which only proves that Perry and her posse only understand it in simplistic terms: ranting about ex-boyfriends + becoming a temporary lesbian = feminist. (the way that wearing your father's tie over a wife beater and using cotton-candy colored dye from the drug store was in Avril and Pink's case)

And i'm sure that Katy's already hard at work on her next wretched album, which i assume will be an "ultra-sexy" extension of the first one. I just hope she know's "I Got Crabs, and I Liked It" won't be as catchy a title.

[Follow up 7/14: I was just informed about an article that either proves a.) I am a prophet. or b.) the mainstream music industry is so utterly predictable.]

Hipster Guys Make Me Cry

2008-06-25T13:29:00.007-04:00

I like hipster guys.I do. I like their thickly framed glasses, and unnecessary need to squeeze into their little brother's Ryan Adams T-shirt.I like their chain-smoking habits, their Beatnik reading material, their oh-so-tortured artistic souls,their vegan moral codes, and their inexplicable desire to be ironic or "authentic". These are precisely the kind of guys i am friends with, the kind of guys i respect and admire and come to appreciate.

But more often than not i am mentally pelted with two critical questions: 1.)How does any oxygen get to his junk while squeezed into skinny jeans 5 sizes too small? and 2.) Why does the hipster guy pride himself on participating in EVERY socio-political cause known to (wo)man EXCEPT feminism?

Honestly, they will squeeze into "I heart PETA" T-shirts and rip the rabbit fur coats off of runway models during fashion week, or dive in front of moving vechicles as a bizarre anti-war protest gimmick. They will peel through clothing at "vintage stores" and the Salvation Army so as not to contribute to the child-labor sweatshops in Tahitti. They read the Cornel West Reader and the Autobiography of Malcolm X and claim that it made them aware of their privledged socio-economic status as a corn-fed suburban white boy. They will wave the rainbow flags with the fags. They will live green. They will create T-shirt slogans like "The only Bush i trust is my own" and spend their spring breaks on voter registration commitees and raising money for some international AIDS fund while their peers are kegging-it-up for Girls Gone Wild videos. But when it comes to women's issues, they suddenly morph into Bush 2 .

But this isn't a complete conundrum, because, you see, i've deciphered the code behind their women-related apathies, and it is this: They simply feel left out.

It seems that feminism is one of the only politcal posses to keep the edge exclusivity still visible; to basically say, "step back, Jack Keuroac, we got this." It never discouraged the support of free-thinking men, but it did not actively depend on it. The great thing about feminism is that it is a movement that must start and end with women. It is one that decided to manifest itself straight from the core; with girlfriends and mothers and sisters and daughters, and to make point of our concerns first. Men looked up and saw a bunch of women tinkering around with picket signs and talking this nonsense about equality without ever really asking them to be apart of it. They felt obsolete and unimportant, and decided to oppose feminism, to hate it, destroy it, and reclaim their power! This is one of man's most primal instincts: reject what has rejected them.

And even the others, the hipster guys who believe they should be exempt from feminism's wrath because they dont, say, beat up on their wives. But even these men, while certainly better than those who are blatant mysogynists, are still not blameless because they don't do anything. They bite their tongues when screaming would be the more appropriate response to a culture that is raping, killing, and mutilating their sisters and daughters and mothers as a passtime. They sit down, they are passive and apathetic when they need to be angry as fuck that there are people who are groped, hit, mocked, laughed at, restrained, belittled, and denigrated on a daily basis. They believe they are informed and compassionate because they plant neighborhood trees or visit nursing homes, but never realize that you cant call yourself a humanist until you call yourself a feminist.

And no, it isn't just the fault of men. I really believe that eventually women will wake up, shake themselves out of their masochistic mindsets, and they will have to do that on their own. But in the meantime, it would nice to have a little help.

What Sex and the City Can Teach Us (But Probably Won't)

2008-06-19T21:15:00.003-04:00

I'm going to give the writers of the inexplicably overrated and mostly moronic television series/movie Sex and the City the benefit of the doubt: I'm going to assume that the characters Charlotte, --the oh-so-wholesome girl next door who spends her entire life either a.) whining about wanting a husband b.) whining about wanting a child c.) fetching a husband of child, or d.) gushing obnoxiously about how happy they both make her--and Samantha, the 40something "nymphomaniac" whose preference of do-em'-ditch-em' sex over monogamous relationships is almost refreshing, as cultural symbolism. I'm going to assume that the entire purpose of having these two characters interact with one another, despite their personal differences, is to illustrate the classicly epic battles of two seperate entities. You see, ladies and gents, it isnt just Charlotte vs. Samantha, that exist in these cliched, badly written scenes. It is conservatism vs. liberalism. It is ancient vs. modern. Marriage vs. singledom. Good vs. evil. And, of course, it is feminism vs. patriarchy.

And while i know the only reason the S.&T.C writers created Samantha is because she gave a good excuse to shoot a tacky graphic sex scene every 30 seconds, the logic behind my theories are still supported.

Because for every quasi-feminist, sex-obsessed Samantha that exists in America, there will a Charlotte, vowing to hang herself by the sheets of her JC Penny canopy bed if she isn't hitched by age 30. These women seem to flock to their appropriate piles and branch off into the two opposing camps:

Camp # 1. The Charlotte camp. --This one is usually a mix of brainwashing via housewife mother and Billy Graham television programs. Even if they aren't religious, these women believe that her body should be cherished and respected in a Holy fashion. This undoubtedly means: a.) No sex until marriage so that on your wedding night, your new-fangled hubby will be so profoundly impressed with your incredible ability to keep your legs closed, that he will never tell you that he just slept with your best friend at the bridal shower and may have a hefty case of Chlamydia. b.) No sex on the first date, because a man will be so impressed with your incredible ability to keep your legs closed (in the name of respect!) that he will never tell you that he slipped a roofie into your chardonnay at the dinner party. Or c.) No mastubation or impure thoughts, as this may lead to violation of rules one and two, not to mention the eternal damnation and shame that should face you for reaching sexual satisfaction without aid from a dilapidated penis. These are women who take Cosmopolitan quizzes that tell them if they may be too aggressive (or bitchy or apathetic or arrogant or outspoken) to get a man, (The answer, is always, "yes") they use cheesy cliches for their virginity, like, "flower petals" or "gift of virtue" and lecture hookers on the importance of letting her flower grow until the right man comes along to pick it. They are women who cannot fathom a life where a man does not control it, run it, make it, or destroy it. They are, frankly, utter morons.

Camp #2, the Samantha Camp, is, predictably, the opposite. They are wild and untamed. They are women who go up to men in the bars to set a time and a place. They say "fuck" more times than they say "making love", they are single, and they like it, because they don't have to answer to anyone (and wouldn't even so). They use men like men use women, as physical tools of sexual desire, but can only ever be sluts when they do. They make married women nervous, make them curiously question their husbands whereabouts and check pants pockets for phone numbers. They are women subjected to, "dont you ever want to get married?" questions and have to, exhaustedly, perpetually, come up with an answer. They are women who get jobs and statuses, and lives that don't revolve around a man, they learn to change their own tires and pay their own rent. They are free and absolutely, undeniably, unstoppable. And they are feminists.

The only trouble is, like the women of Sex and the City, there are still far too many who start out wanting to be Charlotte, and always end up happier as Samantha.

Slick 70's Slogan

2008-06-18T15:05:00.003-04:00

Femspo for the day:

"77% of anti-abortion leaders are men. 100% of them will never be pregnant."

Perfect.

Open Tent=Open Mind, Right? Wrong.

2008-06-15T18:51:00.001-04:00

Some women just kinda decided that feminsm should become one of those invitations to a fifth-grade birthday party. You know, the ones your mother made you give out to everyone so that the paste-eaters, cootie-catchers, and kids with lesbian moms in your class wouldn't grow up to be 40-yr. old hermits talking to 14-year old girls online, only to re-emerge from their basements to go on a shotgun rampage at the post office because they're still angry they weren't invited?.

Apparently, Laura Bush got a wee bit tired of her prestigous First Lady duties of tea parties and shopping for badly tailored suits and thought (so she is capable of such a function? go figure.) that she would take up said invitation. "First lady Laura Bush identified herself as a 'feminist' on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos.."Ed O'Keefe writes in a 2006 article i stumbled upon. "A lot of what I do internationally does have to do with women's issues, with women's rights, with the education of women and girls," says Mrs. Bush.

Laura, honey. Sweetie. Sugar plum. You are not a feminist. You cannot serve the cookies and serve the cause. You cannot wear the apron and wear the pants. You cannot be June Cleaver and Gloria Steinem. People will laugh at you. Most importantly, i will laugh at you. This is the truth.

I can't imagine what catastrophe occured to make Laura decide to identify herself as a feminist. She broke a nail? Ann Taylor ran out of slingbacks in her size? She got into an argument with Bush? Ha!

Imagine this, seriously:

BUSH: Laura? Laura?!! How many times have i told you to handwash mah boxers!
LAURA: But, honey, we have people to do that for us, so i just figured our staff would--
BUSH: No! No staff! How many times have i told you, if you aint-a-workin, yur-a-washin?
LAURA: But i'm the First Lady, for godsakes!
BUSH: Exactly! What doya think that means? It means you aint got no job but ta' tend to my underrgarments. Thats what all the first ladies arre 'supposed to do! Nancy did it, my mama did it, Hillary did it! Now yur gonna do it! Ya hear me? Oh, and dont ya say God's name in vain! Ya know how much i hate that!
LAURA: George, honey, don't yell at me! I feel belittled!
BUSH: Dont be a-callin be George, from now on its "King George"...and what the hells 'belittle' mean? You been readin' again?! Stop usin' all them fancy words woman!
LAURA: I will not! And i will not take this abuse! I have been reading books, and they tell me that i'm special, and that i dont have to be married to someone who treats me like dirt! I'm becoming a feminist, you hear me! A feminist!!
BUSH: Oh, shut up and go get me a sandwich, woman.
LAURA: Sigh. Okay, honey. But then i'm becoming a feminist.

Reactions to Laura's political rebirth were somewhat mixed. Feministing ranted, "Hey Laura, if you’re really a feminist then why not tell hubby to stop rolling back women’s rights?" and "I'm sorry, but feminism just isn't for everybody."

Danelle Morton wrote a great piece about it, but kind of got off balance with: "I'm for Big Tent Feminism. Everyone welcome. ...it places [the movement] back in the middle of things instead of remaining a small-scale interest of a few elite intellectuals."

This brings me around to my point: Feminism is not, and should not be, an Open Tent. Or a blanket invitation. There are basic rules, minimum requirements for anyone who dare bear the "F"-word: 1.) you cannot be, or be married to G. Bush. 2.) You must be pro-choice. 3.) You must believe in social, financial, educational, and political equalities for men and women. 4.) You may not be a housewife.

The last one will surely step on toes. But i dont believe any woman who calls herself a feminist and chooses to simply be married with children for her fullt-time job. To accept it as her identity. To live and die as Mrs. (fill and the blank). Elizabeth Wurtzel's Bitch nailed this home: "...Feminism demanded certain rights, and every woman who continues to live in a man's shadow is an affront to what few gains were made. It's not that a woman should be a self-sufficient person; it's that she must." and "Women who go out and make their own way in the world...are more important...women who get manicures all day are less important than women who write legal briefs."

Now, this doesn't necessarily mean i believe in Closed Tent feminism (if there is such a term), because i want it to grow and be adknowledged and relatable. But if we start to blur the lines that distinguish us as a movement, if we start to "accept" any and every ol' body, if we make one exception and then another and then another, what are we left with? The answer is: Nothing. We would be a bunch of women with mixed-up views and foggy intentions that are so unclear and uncertain, we'd forget what we were trying to do in the first place.

At some point you have to put up the velvet rope to this secret little club of ours. And what better person to start with than Mrs. Bush herself?

All It Takes Is Three...

2008-06-15T16:31:00.001-04:00

Three men i chatted with the other day helped me to get a good, snug, grasp on calcualted male operations in the quest to getting laid.

I was running errands a few afternoons ago, as is my custom, when three very conspicuous young men were huddled around a bench near a parking lot. A place i've come to realize that (besides jail) is the 24-hour hotspot for deliquents, ex-cons, and criminal offenders when they aren't in women's nylon stockings holding up pizza delivery guys. I was walking by, when one of them decided to get my attention with this curteous, ever-so-charming remark:

"AYE GIRL!"

I. The Approach. This is the first step, and the most important step toward in the guide-to-getting-laid. The goal here is to be noticed by your target (i.e,, an unexpecting girl on her way to the post office) using whatever tactic necessary. Wave an arm, scream, dance, walk up to her, appear from behind a dumpster waving a condom. Don't waste time with silly anecdotes like, "what's your name?" or "how are you today?" The less talking the better. Besides, once you have your target in the desired location (bed, sofa, or any flat surface in a horizontal position) it won't matter if her name is "I Eat Large Bugs", since the only oral interaction you are striving for will take place below the waist. Be blunt, foward, and aggressive!

I turn around, snatch out my earbuds, oblivious as to what he wanted. Then, Boy # 2 spoke up: "YOU GOTTA MAN OR WHAT?"

Atta boy. Right to the point.

Me: Excuse me?
Boy #2: WHAT YOU TRYIN' TO DO?, CUZ I'M TRYIN' TO SEE IF WE CAN GET TOGETHER.

II. The Invitation. This second step is crucial to the completion of your quest. Here, you want to make sure you make it clear that you would like her company, but being ambiguous about your intentions at the same time. So, the phrase, "I'm tryin' to see if we can get together" could mean anything; Could we be going on a picnic? Seeing a Broadway play? Engaging in a game of Scrabble? (For best results, consider a target that is considerably less intelligent than you, so that it isn't obvious--perhaps until she sees the bottle of K-Y personal lubricant on your nightstand--that you will not, indeed, be playing Scrabble tonight).

Me (in thought): What am i trying to do?? I'm trying to get to the fucking post office, what is it look like? Why the fuck are you talking to me, anyway? Cant's you see i'm busy, you brainless pest! Huh? Can't you see that?!!
Me (speaking): Uh. Okay.

Despite my suggestion of choosing a target of less intelligence, Boy#2 and his accomplices gambled on one that in fact, does have an I.Q exceeding 80. A risky wager considering the fact that their vocabulary consists of about 6 words ("aye" and "girl" being among the favorites), so 80 might be a little far reaching.

The smallest one, Boy#3, looked like a knock-off version of Aaron Carter back when "Candy" was still a radio hit, and was making not-so-subtle gestures toward his nether regions. Unfortunately for him, i wasn't in any mood for a lolipop.

Boy #2: AYE, YOU BUSY GIRL? WHAT CHU GOT GOIN' ON TOMORROW?

III. This is called the, "Your Place or Mine?" phase, where the time and place should be decided. Always, always ALWAYS suggest her place. That way, if she goes totally Alex Forrest on you, you can collect your belongings and leave abruptly. No strings (or rabbits) attached. Oh! and make sure you create enough time in your schedule for this affair (10-15 minutes for the travel, 4-5 minutes for small talk and two minutes for the actual sex.) After you've finished, mumble something loud enough for her to hear, "I'll call you," but not loud enough to have any definitive details. Describe the sex in graphic details to your friends, and begin scouting for your next target.

Me (finally): Fuck off, i have somewhere to be.

IV. Now, be aware guys. The possibility of this happening are very rare (especially to someone as bright and as charming as these young men) but be prepared anyway. I call it, "The Revival" :If she walks away (as was the case in this scenerio) reclaim your dignity with a couple, "I didn't want that bitch anyway"..s. A few "fuckin tease" and "cunt!" or two for the road.

Okay. So let's review: Approach, Invite, Decide, and Goodbye. In Boy tongue thats: See her, get her, fuck her, leave her. Got it? Class dismissed.

There Goes That F-Word Again

2008-06-12T12:40:00.000-04:00

Asking a woman if she considers herself a feminist is like asking if she would like to help axe-hack your next door neighbor and then join you for a delicatable man-flesh sandwich with a side of internal organs. She gets a, "what the fuck?" kind of expression on her face backs away slowly.

In the 70's, no one wanted to be a feminist because it was subtext for (whisper:) Birkenstock-wearing lesbian. Now, no one wants to be a feminist because it's a punchline.

Announcing to the world, (or whoever happens to be within earshot) that you are feminist yields the same reaction it would to say that you are a cross-dresser, or a Morman. You become target practice for jokes like, "What happen, 'd boyfriend dump you?" It, feminism, seems to be so glazed with the cultural caricatures, that it's not even accepted as a legitamite political belief; it just means you're pissed off about something.

That's another thing. Apparently feminism is a temporary emotional reaction to everything that goes apeshit in your life now.

Your husband leaves you for his secretary with six kids?: Become a feminist
Wake up late for work, miss your morning commute, and get fired on the spot?: Become a feminist.
Walking home alone one night and get mugged by a crack-head for three bucks?: Become a feminist.
Have a fight with your closest friend who decides to spread a rumor about you contracting Herpes from the pizza guy?: Whip her ass. Then become a feminist.

And, of course, when things start to wind down a little, go back to being a "normal girl" (you know, painting your toenails and giving casual blowjobs for a date to your sister's wedding.)

With all of the objections people have to the movement (and they always have an objection), it's almost like i feel obligated to say:

"Yes, i am a feminist. And no, I am not a lesbian or a man-hater. I don't own a pair of Birkenstocks, i bathe on a regular basis (sometimes even once a day), I'm not a terrorist, communist, international spy, ex-con, child molester, schizophrenic or misanthropist. I don't worship Satan, i do not not possess a vagina and a penis simultaneously, i am not currently hoarding 35 cats in my basement. And i occasionally (but only occasionally) have a mustache."

So don't even go there.

Assume the following...

2008-06-11T15:38:00.000-04:00

Lately, i've been inspired by the wonderful, ever insightful Chuck Klosterman, and decided to whip up a hypothetical of my own.

Hypothetical Q: You meet the man/woman of your dreams. He/she is physically attractive, intelligent, funny, loving, attentive, everything you've ever wanted. The two of you share a special mushy-gushy bond that is so unreal, it seems only comparable to a PG Disney film. You get married, have three beautiful, healthy children. You buy a wonderful house with a lake view, white picket fence (cause thats what every American wants, right?) and a German Shep. named Herman. You are financially stable, you have great sex, life is amazing. But then you find out something shocking: he/she is your first cousin. You, of course, had no idea, and neither did they. Do you tell your spouse? Do you stay in the marriage? Would your feelings for that person change? (Even the sexual attraction?)

What Howard Wants You to Know

2008-06-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

I know that as a feminist, i'm supposed to let him have it. But I think Howard Stern is trying to make two very important statements:

1.) Yes, white men can have geri curls.

and:

2.) When you look like the unfortunate-looking love child of Slash and Keith Richards you are bound to have a successful career as a "media mogul".

I also understand that were it not for the Howard Stern Show, his current fanbase of ball-scratching Frat Boys with names "Donny" who drown their post-grad grief in an ice cold Budlight while Green Day blairs from the stereo in the background--these All-American guys would have nothing to watch. No where to go. No way of bonding with their fellow ball-scratching cavemen. No way of being entertained.

And isn't that the motive behind everything Howard-esque?

So when he features pseudo-lesbians who spend an entire ten minutes playing tonsil-hockey, he's trying to entertain you. And when he's interviewing some volleyball-titied ex-porn star with an I.Q of akin to a small hamster, he's trying to entertain you. When he pries his female celebrity guests for sex-life secrets and they make up outlandish stories about what turns them on for the sake of showbiz, both him, and her, are trying to entertain you. And of course, when he volunteers women for humiliating, dehumanizing acts (you know, like being handcuffed to a bed, legs spread-eagled, while being tickled with a feather) he's trying to--for the love of the gerri curl!-entertain you.

And he's trying to convey that message quite loud and clear.

But I hear you, Howie. I hear you.

Riding the 3rd Wave...

2008-06-09T11:34:00.002-04:00

Last time i mentioned the phrase "3rd-wave feminism, the Stupid Girl i was having a conversation was thrilled i'd mentioned it because apparently it sparked a common interest :(dude, you like to surf, too?). This is, of course, after she pondered on why no one drowned at the time of the Watergate Scandal (seriously, like, weren't there any lifeguards around?). So i'm being more careful this time-round, as to avoid any confusion among those who may fall into said Stupid Girl family. I'm going to assume you know absolutely nothing about what i'm about to tell you, which would follow in line with the first, most important rule of dealing with ignorant people: start from scratch.

Deep breath now. Baby steps. Think baby steps...

I don't really like trying to define 3rd-wave feminism because it always seems like i eventually hark back to the "new direction of social reform" and "modern approach" rhetoric and I end up sounding like something out of Wikipedia.

But if i had to, i'd say it started with Riot Grrrl. With Kathleen Hanna and Bikini Kill, with Heavens to Betsy, Hole, and Huggy Bear; women who were trying to make thrashing,earsplitting noise. With the Zines, the Lady Fests, the D.I.Y-mentality, with Portland Oregon and the women with short skirts, smeared lipstick and "SLUT" written across their stomachs. With the 90's.

Sociologists like to babble on about how the 3rd wave generation are the daughters of the 2nd-wave feminists who are trying, i guess, to perpetuate the movement through our own cultural means. But i don't think so. I think the majority of us don't have mothers who would claim the term "feminist" without hesitation--if at all--and that relation to the movement wasn't biologically conceived, but adopted through some life-altering realization. Like the "click" Ms. Magazine described as the housewife's moment of self-discovery.

We felt that click as girls who wandered into bookstores, stumbling upon the Second Sex and tore through the pages like hungry wolves. We were college girls who, after one Women Studies class, went home to toss all of our shit; high heels, curling irons, bras, make-up, dresses and jewelry into trash cans. Women who listened to Ani Difranco sing, "I am not a pretty girl/that is not what i do" and scratched the lyrics into binder covers and post-its we stuck inside our lockers, on our doors, above our beds. We were women who scolded our mothers for waxing her legs, for wearing lipstick, for saying, "What's wrong with wanting to be feminine?"

We were women who found our way to feminism through some inexplicable pull, and surrendered to its force because it felt it good, and strong, and honest. We're the 3rd-wave. The only few survivors after the 2nd hit; the women faced with the wreckage and smoke of a war that is only half-over and trying to rebuild an entire city from ground zero.

And still, after everything, after Roe V. Wade and the 70's and all of that yelling, we still have to wonder if it was worth it. It's the gritty, awkward aftermath that seems like nothing's changed at all; the backlashes, the terrorfied men who call us lesbos and cunts and man-haters. The hip-hop video hos, the Stepford wives paying thousands to be butchered "under the knife" if it means bigger tits and a tight face. The men and women who hear us talking, screaming, marching and try to come up with reasons for our rage, like: Because we're women scorned, because we're cat-hoarding spinters who need a man, because we're tempermental, we're difficult, we're bitches, we're PMS-ing, or, as the Stupid Girl so charmingly put it: "On the Rag."