F--Yeah for the F-Word!

For all the shit that comes along with blogging about the F-word, this here made me proud of what i do:

Meet the Bloggers!

Meet Misogyny's latest BFF, the YouTube bloggers; a community of cunt-hatin' creepers circulating now in cyberspace. But this post will concentrate on two nifty guys who, i believe, deserve recognition for the astounding amount of time and dedication they've put into attacking feminism using video technology. (Cause if you're gonna be an asshole, well, you better do it in style). So without further ade, introducing...


The Editorialist-- The middle aged man who probably splits his time between creating kiddie porn rings online and making YouTube videos expressing his hatred for Feministing.com while sitting in his mother's dimly lit basement wearing dark shades. Ed here uses his smarts and mountains of free time (unemployment has its benefits) to make carefully crafted, thoroughly researched rebuttals to the "Friday Feminist Fuck Yous" that the Feministing.com bloggers post each week, (humorously) tackling a recent sexist issue. Only Ed decided it would be even more hilarious to respond to these lesbo cunt-rags with a video of his own. And boy do the guys love it. His adoring 200 subscribers watch religiously and happily participate in the bitch-bashing with "lols" and their own two cents which involves some vague, pseudo intellectual history lesson, a false statistic, or a hardcore porn link.


Best video: "If Women are oppressed, why aren't they dead are in jail?" --Good point, Ed. If we really had it tough, we'd either be 6 feet under or the Bitch of some chick known only as MooMoo. This is a particularly touching piece, where Ed begins to question the legitimacy of feminism by encouraging us to ask a black how he knows he is oppressed. To which Eddie boy claims is an obvious fact, compared with "gender oppression"--an evil feminist creation that is "indoctrinated" into the simple minds of innocent little girls by the liberal media and middle-class white women. He credits this brilliant insight to the fact that he--hold on to your mouses for this one--talked to a black woman who said that her race--not gender, was the source of her oppression. And I'm sure he thinks the fives minutes of BET he caught on the tube (while Army Wives was on commercial) gave him mad street cred, and proved his racial tolerance. Oh Ed, you ol' softie. You just hate to see the racial inequalities of your fellow sistas and brothas trumped by this imaginary sexism don't you? Thanks for sticking up for your people, Ed. Word.


Next up...

The Amazing Atheist--A younger, tubby (but equally creepy) version of the Editorialist who took a break from his usual business of zealously denouncing religion using violent hand gestures and colorful language, to zealously denouncing feminism using violent hand gestures and colorful language. Amazing really does live up to his name with these online works of art, an opinion no doubt shared by the 31, 070 subscribers to his channel, and the 588 videos he's whipped up in just over two years! This particular video is set inside an anonymous garage which I'm sure is filled with at least a dozen dead bodies, four cats, a torture chamber, animae posters, and an underage Korean girl.
Despite Ed's disdain for feminism in general, A.A seemed to be perfectly down with the cause until something traumatic happens: He finds that US laws may or may not prevent simulated rape as porn. You see, Atheist was helping his pornstar friend who is, by the way is perfect by "his standards" (which means anything more than Vaseline and a towel is pretty damned hot) come up with ideas for her Adult Website. And simulated rape (along with his other ideas: covering herself in pig's blood and holding a meat clever, and role playing a mental patient, while letting doctors molest her on the examining table) was shot down.

Pissed that his simulated rape fantasises will not come true, A.A heads to the garage, sets up his cam, and goes on a 19 minute rant about how feminism is destroying personal freedoms (because if we want to shoot bestiality and brutal sexual abuse in our downtime, then so be it!). But before you get all up and arms, Atheist isn't directing this to all man-hating feminists. No, just those "crazy bitches" who want to go after pornography and--god forbid--prostitution. He claims that not only should prostitutes be held in the highest regard but that many of the early feminists were, indeed hookers. That's right suckers, Susan B. Anthony might have seemed conservative and intellectual, but when she took of that red shawl and those bloomers, honey, things really got down and dirty.
But no big, Atheist. I get you, man. I too would be angry if my only means for getting laid with through the promise of financial exchange with a herpes-infected transvestite....


Honestly though, seeing these videos and its cock--i mean, cult-like following really made me realize how much weight feminism still carries. Even now, in a society bathed in the facade of "female empowerment" and the bogus propaganda of "progress" there's still a reluctance and fear of anything that rejects the patriarchal system that's been in place so long its almost a human template for existence. We've never really known a world where women weren't below, behind, beneath a man and even now the idea of real equality--of bringing the female object to life-- for some people, still feels uncomfortable and unnatural and unsafe.

And while i know the extremists only represent a small portion, the basic ideology of sexism is still more universal. I hear it in mundane conversations every day, the whistles and "hey girl"s of the men on street corner, the inane pop culture of bride fantasies and Botox and Playboy. Sexism is still the thread of America, the bare bones foundation on which everything we know is built. And to break the foundation and introduce a new cultural makeup where the Bitch doesn't make the sandwich is enough to make you scared shitless. So middle aged weirdos rant on their webcams in dark corners, start parody websites and cult clubs to white-knuckle any power they can.

They latch on to their beloved patriarchy even at the expense of their mothers and daughters and sisters, even at the expense of themselves. But why care so much after all? What the hell are you so afraid of?

Holy MatriPhony

The best thing about my Marriage and Family class is that we get delightful tidbits of information like this:

"Married people are generally healthier and happier than people who are single, divorced, and widowed. Married people have lower rates of heart disease, cancer, stroke, pneumonia, tuberculosis, cirrhosis of the liver, and syphilis. They attempt suicide less frequently and have fewer automobile accidents than do singles. They are less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and other forms of psychological distress..."

In other words: Get married. Or you will die.

But this is how alot of women see the single life, anyway; a wretched state of loneliness and longing. Walking past couples in the park in matching neon jogging suits and sighing a heavy sigh of pain; or tearing up at the sight of a man proposing to his girlfriend on New Year's Eve, or wearing tragic bride's mate dresses in mango orange as you watch another one of your friends walk Down The Aisle and think, if only that were me....

"You will die alone" becomes the ultimate threat to any woman who doesn't want to Settle Down. Even if, God forbid, she is attractive and mentally functional with plenty of friends and family and a job and hobbies and things to do, she is still, by cultural standards, destined to Spinsterdom. You know, spending your weekends in a dark one bedroom apartment, devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's with your 17 cats (who you've named after each of your exes) and watching Golden Girls reruns to cheer you up --because, Dammit, if Blanche and the gang can be single and old, than so can I-- before realizing how pathetic that is and proceed to cry for the next three hours with Phil Collins songs playing in the background.

Oh yeah, and then you'll die alone.

But i think there's something really wrong with marriage. And I'm not talking about the Monogamy Doesn't Work theory the whole bit about Keeping the Romance Alive or even traditional gender roles that explain the near 50% of divorce rates, because we've all heard them a bizillion times before.

The biggest reason i could never see myself jumping on the Wifey bandwagon (aside from the fact that i wouldn't be caught dead in a matching jogging suits) is because i believe in the human project and personal development that comes with being single. Elizabeth Wurtzel says it beautifully in Bitch: "There are other things that other women need to do: they need to have lesbian affairs; they need to drop out of medical school and become investment bankers; they need to fly with the Air Force in Iraq or work for the Peace Crops in Papua New Guinea; they need to sleep with their brothers-in-law....to live in New Orleans for five months, in Krakow for three months and in Bangkok for two years. They need these things, all these things--for if they didn't, they surely would not bother, for it is so much easier to just get married. It is so much easier to stick with Plan A. "

And Plan A, the marriage plan, is just another in the series of sequential steps society has set out for us; bread crumbs for Hansel and Gretel. We live life in perpetual groups, under the thumb of Rules and Compromise that come with living with someone else. We're all so scared shitless of being alone that we never get to experience the freedom of being alone; of letting the dishes pile up for a week or spending loads of money on frivolous things or casual sex or spontaneous trips half way around the world or sleeping in till' 5 pm or doing whatever the hell it is you feel like doing because you're unattached and independent and you don't have to answer to anyone. In the time of being single, you learn who you are, what you want and why you want it and make the mistakes and missteps that shape you into a decent adult. When you're single, in other words, you can grow the fuck up.

And i think that may be the biggest marriage detriment of all: the idea that two people who barely know themselves, who've only half-lived, can somehow exist in a lifelong relationship, expecting not to fall victim to the "what-ifs" and regrets itching in the back of the mind.

I personally think the above "studies" are bullshit, more cat nibble feeding the mouth of the backlash that's been gnawing at the women's movement since the 70's. Some shady scholarship that will end up being the basis of some Ann Coulter book with a title like, "I Do. Why don't you?" (because we all know that conservatives that come up with clever puns are just hilarious) .

But even if it is true, even if choosing to be unmarried means risking eternal loneliness and depression and car wrecks and herpes; Even if it means living alone without a Big Strong Husband to protect me at night, or the last tick of my Biological Clock or the societal frown that comes with being a woman unchained--And it might mean all of these things. But i'll take my chances anyway. I'll risk the dying alone.

Laughs for the Ladies

Yes, even feminists make jokes-- (when we aren't, you know, burning their brassieres, counting arm pit hairs, or playing bullseye with pictures of penises in their spare time)--and here are some of them i dug up from a site (appropriately) titled, Feminist Jokes.



They vary from har-de-har-hars to definite knee-slappers, but here are some of my favorites. A drum roll please?:



1.) Q: Why do men like BMWs?

A: They can spell it.



2.) Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.



3.) Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum.



4.) Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: ET phoned home.



5.) Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.



6.) Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.



7.) Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

I know we've got Rush Limbaugh and all of the youtube assholes to make fun of the Femininazis, but this time, guys, the joke is on you.

Buy or Die

Upon hearing the news that Bitch magazine was in danger of folding, i was going to use this blog to do one of those spin-offs of the Vote of Die campaigns, where i would play P. Diddy, with a shirt that read, "Bitch-assness permitted" (what is bitch-assness, again? and why should someone who calls themselves diddy be allowed to create vocabulary?), suck on a tooth pick while wearing shades and scare you into donating to the magazine with my Aggressive and Intimidating Black Guy attitude.

If that tactic did not work, i would round up some D-list celebrities and a make a black and white commercial where we would wear white T-shirts, look sadly at the camera and recite statistics about domestic violence while Wyclef Jean plays some guitar melodies in the background.

But I visited their website the other day, and somehow they've been able to come up with the $40,000 they needed to run another issue, which--according to the giant wiener dog on the header--will hit the stands December 1st! That being said, i will spare you my purchase pleas for now. However, as we all know, independent magazines need MONEY to sustain. And the difference between folding and sustaining is you, the readers!

So please continue to invest in Bitch, one of the only feminist magazines left.

Or, if you prefer the P. Diddy approach: Buy it or Die, bitches.

Style Bytes Returns!!!

The Rules state that every gal is allowed to have one "girl-crush" without attaining lesbo status. That way, you can swoon publicy and never worry about your peers inching away from you in the locker room, un-inviting you to sleep overs, nick-naming you Ellen Degeneres, or voting you Most Likely to Be A Female Athletic Director.

Therefore, i choose Agathe--thrift shopper, fashion blogger, photographer extraordinaire--as my top pick. All her die hard fans know the psychotic breaks we had once her first blog inexplicably ended a few months ago: We couldnt eat, we couldnt sleep, we walked around in neon-colored crocs and sweatshirts with company logos on them! We mourned, man. We mourned.

And just when we thought we'd never see Agathe (or Melvin--her gigantic pet pig) again, i stumbled upon the link to the NEW Style Bytes blog.

Apparently, she'd been doing it as sort of an underground thing, perhaps thinking she was safe from the nuts (i.e,, me) who begun to develop a cult-like following to her site.

Think again, Agathe. You can blog, but you can't hide:



http://phiary.com/diary/stylebytes/2008/7/3

The Palin Persuasion

If you've ever watched MTV's "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica", the inane and (thankfully) short-lived reality show about the glamarous celebrity marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, you could fully understand everything you need to know about Sarah Palin. As you may remember, For thirty minutes, we watched Jessica in her "daily life" of photo shoots, studio recordings and concerts while Nick sat at home, flexing his steroidal biceps in the mirror, reminiscing about the good ol' days of 98 degrees, back when grown men in open silk blouses were sexy-- and "confessing" to the camera how Jessica never gave him any.

And like any good reality show, they each had tele-roles: Jessica, the young, spoiled, bimbo bride, and Nick, the beefy butch hubby who was in charge of slapping her ass during random intervals of the show, reminding us of why she makes up for what she lacks in I.Q.

He also had to explain the difficult, and philosophically abstract concepts that only intellects of unimaginable standards could comprehend: Like whether or not her "chicken of the sea" tuna was chicken or fish. A conversation during which Nick paused so long you knew he was contemplating divorce before a montage of ass-slapping ran through his mind, no doubt making him reconsider.

But instead of the tuna dialogue heightening her status of idiocy, the "TV personality" sycophants went into a bit about how this show really demonstrates how intelligent Jessica is, because she's using her savvy marketing skills to only pretend to be a bimbo. That she's so aware, in fact, of how the entertainment industry works, she's portraying this ditzy blonde cliche for the cameras because the only thing that sells better than sex is Dumb Hot Chicks who you want to sex with.

And while i applaud these journalist jokes for giving her the benefit of the doubt--they know, I know, and surely Nick knows, that there is no hidden layer of intellect behind the airhead facade. There is, in fact, no facade. Or business savvy or sneaky plot of subversion or irony or Ultimate Masterplan beyond our comprehension: The girl is just stupid.

And whenever there are genuinely stupid people in the public eye, there will always be other rather stupid people trying to promote them by convincing other stupid people that they are not that stupid.


I know. Stupid, isnt it?


And now the pseudo righty political "pundits" are taking a stab at it again, with another target: Sarah Palin. Cause when the attempts to woo feminist/women voters with a Palin-faced Rosie the Riveter, and "Palin Power" buttons failed, and the hockey-mom thing lost its puck, the GOP media came up with a better idea: To make Palin look like an undiscovered genius. And after Thursday's debate, they seemed to have convinced everyone that everything she did was somehow evident of a deliberate and very strategic plan to help Old Man River shuffle into office:

#1.) Palin dodges questions and makes statements like "I'm gonna talk straight to the American people".Reason?: Because Palin's exceptional debate skills and preparation have taught her that voters don't want you to talk to your opponent, but through the lense of the camera, straight into the homes of American familys!

#2.) Palin fills up a generous part of her two-minutes with a shout-out to her brother's 3rd-grade class and a corny joke about extra credit. GOP says it because: Palin did this intentionally. She knows how much the American people appreciate family values, and children interests, so she was simply scoring points!

#3.) Palin uses folksy lingo; from "you betcha" to "dog-gonnit" and a wink or two for effect during her spiels. Survey says?: Palin understands the importance of relating to middle-class familys and Average Joes. She is trying to proove that she can talk in simpleton language, unlike all of those elitist liberals with their big ol' 3-syllable words and technical explanations and accurate facts that only they understand!

But i don't buy it, Palin. I know you can't answer questions directly because you're sketchy and coniving with poor-to-moderate acting skills! Like Halle Berry on a good day, you may be overrated but you wont get the Oscar till' you take your top off! And you're "folksy" lingo is about as real as Pam Anderson's ta-tas pre-hepatitis C, and insulting to! Anyone can watch a segment from Larry the Cable Guy and get the redneck down pat. Oh, and that shout-out to those anonymous 3rd-graders? Seriously. You do know this isn't 106 & Park, right? You know there are people watching and you're supposed to answer questions relating to the topic, right? Because--worst case scenerio--you do get in office, after Wrinkle-stilt-skin kicks, you're gonna have to take over and actually do stuff. And just ask Dubya, doing stuff is always the worst part.

Though i'll give you this Palin, you do understand the most important part about being stupid; and that is never to correct the people who think you're smart. You're the type of gal who knows its better to stumble publically, then laugh and say you did it on purpose. Or ask someone to explain the concept of tuna to you, then claim its just good TV.

And who knows, if this whole political thing doesn't work out (and we pray to Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it doesn't) I think you definitely have a future in showbiz. You could even hit up Jessica for pointers. Have her peeps call your peeps.