Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Palin Persuasion

If you've ever watched MTV's "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica", the inane and (thankfully) short-lived reality show about the glamarous celebrity marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, you could fully understand everything you need to know about Sarah Palin. As you may remember, For thirty minutes, we watched Jessica in her "daily life" of photo shoots, studio recordings and concerts while Nick sat at home, flexing his steroidal biceps in the mirror, reminiscing about the good ol' days of 98 degrees, back when grown men in open silk blouses were sexy-- and "confessing" to the camera how Jessica never gave him any.
And like any good reality show, they each had tele-roles: Jessica, the young, spoiled, bimbo bride, and Nick, the beefy butch hubby who was in charge of slapping her ass during random intervals of the show, reminding us of why she makes up for what she lacks in I.Q.

He also had to explain the difficult, and philosophically abstract concepts that only intellects of unimaginable standards could comprehend: Like whether or not her "chicken of the sea" tuna was chicken or fish. A conversation during which Nick paused so long you knew he was contemplating divorce before a montage of ass-slapping ran through his mind, no doubt making him reconsider.

But instead of the tuna dialogue heightening her status of idiocy, the "TV personality" sycophants went into a bit about how this show really demonstrates how intelligent Jessica is, because she's using her savvy marketing skills to only pretend to be a bimbo. That she's so aware, in fact, of how the entertainment industry works, she's portraying this ditzy blonde cliche for the cameras because the only thing that sells better than sex is Dumb Hot Chicks who you want to sex with.

And while i applaud these journalist jokes for giving her the benefit of the doubt--they know, I know, and surely Nick knows, that there is no hidden layer of intellect behind the airhead facade. There is, in fact, no facade. Or business savvy or sneaky plot of subversion or irony or Ultimate Masterplan beyond our comprehension: The girl is just stupid.

And whenever there are genuinely stupid people in the public eye, there will always be other rather stupid people trying to promote them by convincing other stupid people that they are not that stupid.

I know. Stupid, isnt it?

And now the pseudo righty political "pundits" are taking a stab at it again, with another target: Sarah Palin. Cause when the attempts to woo feminist/women voters with a
Palin-faced Rosie the Riveter, and "Palin Power" buttons failed, and the hockey-mom thing lost its puck, the GOP media came up with a better idea: To make Palin look like an undiscovered genius. And after Thursday's debate, they seemed to have convinced everyone that everything she did was somehow evident of a deliberate and very strategic plan to help Old Man River shuffle into office:

#1.) Palin dodges questions and makes statements like "I'm gonna talk straight to the American people".Reason?: Because Palin's exceptional debate skills and preparation have taught her that voters don't want you to talk to your opponent, but through the lense of the camera, straight into the homes of American familys!
#2.) Palin fills up a generous part of her two-minutes with a shout-out to her brother's 3rd-grade class and a corny joke about extra credit. GOP says it because: Palin did this intentionally. She knows how much the American people appreciate family values, and children interests, so she was simply scoring points!
#3.) Palin uses folksy lingo; from "you betcha" to "dog-gonnit" and a wink or two for effect during her spiels. Survey says?: Palin understands the importance of relating to middle-class familys and Average Joes. She is trying to proove that she can talk in simpleton language, unlike all of those elitist liberals with their big ol' 3-syllable words and technical explanations and accurate facts that only they understand!
But i don't buy it, Palin. I know you can't answer questions directly because you're sketchy and coniving with poor-to-moderate acting skills! Like Halle Berry on a good day, you may be overrated but you wont get the Oscar till' you take your top off! And you're "folksy" lingo is about as real as Pam Anderson's ta-tas pre-hepatitis C, and insulting to! Anyone can watch a segment from Larry the Cable Guy and get the redneck down pat. Oh, and that shout-out to those anonymous 3rd-graders? Seriously. You do know this isn't 106 & Park, right? You know there are people watching and you're supposed to answer questions relating to the topic, right? Because--worst case scenerio--you do get in office, after Wrinkle-stilt-skin kicks, you're gonna have to take over and actually do stuff. And just ask Dubya, doing stuff is always the worst part.

Though i'll give you this Palin, you do understand the most important part about being stupid; and that is never to correct the people who think you're smart. You're the type of gal who knows its better to stumble publically, then laugh and say you did it on purpose. Or ask someone to explain the concept of tuna to you, then claim its just good TV.

And who knows, if this whole political thing doesn't work out (and we pray to Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it doesn't) I think you definitely have a future in showbiz. You could even hit up Jessica for pointers. Have her peeps call your peeps.