Monday, August 4, 2008

The Col-Jerk Report

Uhh, i don't really think Steve Colbert likes us all that much.

Judging by how he treats his feminists guests, i'd say the women's libbers rank just above Bill O'Reilly but right below Jon Stewart on his List of Things to Destroy Using Dry Comedic Irony.
I mean, honestly Steve. First Ariel Levy, now Jessica Valenti?

But I know that its your job to play the smug, satirical show host and wear badly tailored suits and wire-rimmed glasses so you can cross your arms with a raised eyebrow to prove how pensive and intellectual you are, before reading irrelevant jokes from a teleprompter and waiting for the eruption of audience laughter who are either a.) paid actors Or b.) on acid.

I also, totally, get that you have to challenge the views of these crazy "feminists" with those biting skills you learned back in Debate 101 and your acerbic wit to deliver the list of punchlines you probably have on a napkin underneath your desk. And i understand that by the look on your face, everything Ms. Valenti is saying is akin to the wamp-wamp-wamp Charlie Brown language or ebonics from those rapper guys on MTV, and that you wish--between glances at your punchlines and not-so-casual glances at her breasts--that she would just SHUT UP already, and let you say something funny because you only have an hour, damnit, to make things happen, so you're going to do a bit about the naked lady on the book cover because, hell, what other questions can you think of when never even heard of "Jessica Valenti" or all this "feminism" stuff until like, five seconds ago, when the producer told you backstage, and even then you were too busy moussing your hair into that perfect mini-pompadour shape to listen, because if you're going to out-do Mr. Stewart you've gotta have The Do, you know what I'm sayin'?

And that's the whole joke, right?: pretending to hate America and Bush and all stuff, but then pose in front of a flag so everyone knows you're J.K; that you're just being ironic and totally sarcastic, because you looked up the definition of irony (or at least your assistant did) on Wikipedia and thats what it said, right? Pssh, i got you, Steve. Now if only those uptight ol' biddies could get with the program (your program, of course) and just let you make your freakin' jokes so everyone can tell you how funny you are after the show.

Har-de-har-har, indeed.


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